Hello all,
I wanted to inform you all that Saturday Jakob had two more seizures, and ask for your prayers (again).
At about 9am he was at breakfast with my mom and her husband at Social's in Swayzee when he had a not-entirely-severe seizure (though they are all severe). I say not-entirely-severe meaning it wasn't a "TV seizure" or a Grand Mal seizure. It didn't have all the twitching and whatnot. He just went rigid and his eyes rolled back in his head.
I happened to be at Kaity's basketball game when Denny called me. I'm pretty sure I've never ran that fast in my life (in fact, I'm pretty sure Terry's (my mother-in-law never run that fast, either, lol) out of the game to the car. Terry and I picked him up and brought him home and let him sleep it off, so to speak. If you've never seen a seizure patient before, the actual seizure itself just exhausts the body, and the first thing the patient wants to do is sleep once they've come out of the actual seizure.
By the time Kaity's second game rolled around (12:30pm that day), Jakob was mostly back to his normal 2 year old self. I picked up a sandwich for Kaity and went to the game. As the game finished and we pulled in the driveway, he was just coming out of a second seizure (unbeknownst to me at the time). Terry and Angi were at our house with him and Heather was at home asleep after working a 12 hour shift the night before.
Some may ask why we didn't go to the ER right away, but Jakob's pediatrcian told us not to if he just has one, random seizure sometime (remember he had 2 seizures in a few hours time in November). However, after the second one today we headed straight to Ball Memorial Hospital in Muncie.
It turns out Jakob has an ear infection (that we didn't yet know about) and the early beginning stages of pneumonia. The doctor said the most likely explanation for the seizures is that these two things conspired to lower his "seizure threshold". However, he felt somewhat confident that with some anti-biotics we could start treating the infections and raise that threshold.
Needless to say, we're back home now and Jakob is sleeping peacefully in his crib. Heather is upstairs fighting a case of the ickies herself (though no seizures, don't worry). And I find myself once again fighting for sleep amongst a torrent of relentless thoughts, concerns, and images. All in all, though, life is good. Things could be worse.
I have a dear friend at church who we'll call Butch. When I see somebody I'll typically ask them, "How are you?" The answers can vary widely, but I always get the same answer from Butch: "The Lord allowed me to put my feet on the floor this morning, so it's a good day."
Yes we have some difficult circumstances, but God has allowed me to draw breath. Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. AMEN.
Thank you,
Jeff
Monday, February 2, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
More Words from the Amnesiac: It's Not About Me Part II: It Is About Me
1 Corinthians 9:15-27
"15 But I have not used any of these rights. And I am not writing this in the hope that you will do such things for me. I would rather die than have anyone deprive me of this boast. 16 Yet when I preach the gospel, I cannot boast, for I am compelled to preach. Woe to me if I do not preach the gospel! 17 If I preach voluntarily, I have a reward; if not voluntarily, I am simply discharging the trust committed to me. 18 What then is my reward? Just this: that in preaching the gospel I may offer it free of charge, and so not make use of my rights in preaching it."
19 Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. 20 To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. 21 To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. 22 To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. 23 I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings."
24 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize."
25 Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. 26 Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. 27 No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."
Oh Paul, Paul, dear Paul. Do you realize the standard you set for the rest of us?
This note is a Part Two to a previous note of mine entitled, "Words fromt the Amnesiac: It's Not About Me". I concluded that post with these words:
I didn’t have to be concerned about being impressive... Once I got up there at the pulpit, I felt somewhat of a peace. I wasn’t up there to impress the congregation. I wasn’t there to deliver my grand insight. I was there to hopefully be a conduit of God with a message for His people out of His Word.
Of course that doesn’t free a worship leader from the responsibility of studying, growing, preparing, and trying to do their best job possible. But this insight helped me immensely. I have learned that if I am faithful to what God wants for me, then to a considerable extent it doesn’t matter what people think. I’m not looking for success or rewards on a human level. I’m looking to be a pleasing fragrance to God.
It’s not about me. It’s about trying to be useable by God. It’s not about my performance. It’s about attempting to allow God to perform through me. This life isn’t about me. It’s about loving and serving the people around me at all times. This is both freeing and a huge responsibility. I’ll leave you with some words from Tony Dungy that have touched me and are guiding my life right now.
“Touching lives. Building a legacy – not necessarily on the field, but in those places that most people will never see…My purpose in life is simply to glorify God. We have to be careful that we don’t let the pursuit of our life’s goals, no matter how important they seem, cause us to lose sight of our purpose…
“The good I can do to glorify God along the way is my real purpose. I want to help people see the path to eternal life through Christ, to enjoy an abundant life now, and fulfill their God-given purposes here. We are all role models to someone in this world, and we can all have an impact – for good.”- Tony Dungy, Quiet Strength, p. 301
The main point of that post centered around the fact that life is not about me. It's about God. It's about loving and serving Him by loving and serving others...by being Christ to those around me. There's a beautiful song that says, "They'll know we are Christians by our love." That is so true.
However, after much thinking and reflecting on these sentiments, I have felt an evolution in that thought. You see, I stumbled upon Paul's words recently, and they have been working on me. You see, spirituality is a journey, and even if we find a waypoint, much like the blog post I referenced was for me, there is still more room for growth.
The last few months, based on the "It's not about me" mentality (which I think is important for all of us), I have been especially focused on trying to be all things to all people. I've learned that as an Associate Pastor, there really is nothing that doesn't fall under my job description. I've loved getting to know the people in our church and serving as best as I can. From the hospital visits to shut-in visits to preaching to youth group activities to cleaning up after youth group activities to so many more things, I have loved what I'm doing. I truly feel as though I am a pastor. This is most definitely what I am called to do.
However, there is a possibility to get too wrapped up in all of this. I can now find my identity as an associate pastor. That is just who I am. I love the work I'm doing. That can't be where I find my identity, though. Nor can it be as a family man or student or anything else. I am first and foremost, a child of God. There should be my main identity. An important thought, but I won't go too much further than that (it's a simple truth...it's both sufficient and a starting point all on its own...I digress though).
In addition to learning about spirituality as a journey, though, I'm also realizing that every single issue or thought that occurs will fall somewhere on a spectrum of extremes. However, for this topic, I'm going to put it on a circular spectrum (I'll explain later).
The blog post that I referenced earlier was speaking towards not ending up at a certain extreme of self-centeredness. Believe it or not, we Christians can become VERY self-centered.
"This is my church."
"I'm too busy to help out."
"I think God is telling us to only use a certain type of music in the service."
"I didn't get enough out of worship today."
"I don't feel like they appreciate me enough."
"I prefer the way I do things."
"I don't need to do that. Somebody else can."
In just a few short months as a pastor I've heard all of these and more, and even thought them myself occasionally. There's one extreme.
At the other end of this spectrum is going TOO far the opposite direction. Yes, I believe it is possible to do too much. It is possible to serve too much. It is possible to give to much. Don't lynch me yet, hang with me.
There are times when we get to a point where we have done so much that we have neglected our own spiritual needs. Paul has encouraged and commissioned me (and all of us, as we all are to minister God's Word to the World) to be all things to all people. However, we can't forget that he also commissioned us to "Run in such a way as to get the prize." We have to go "into strict training."
While life isn't about us, we can't neglect us. This leads to burn-out, or worse... uselessness!
James is another of my favorite Biblical authors as the youth group can tell you, and here is what has been working on me and pushing all these thoughts around in my head:
James 2:14-26
"14 What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? 15 Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. 16 If one of you says to him, “Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? 17 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead."
18 But someone will say, “You have faith; I have deeds.”
"Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do. 19 You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that–and shudder.
"20 You foolish man, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless? 21 Was not our ancestor Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? 22 You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did. 23 And the scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,” and he was called God's friend. 24 You see that a person is justified by what he does and not by faith alone."
25 In the same way, was not even Rahab the prostitute considered righteous for what she did when she gave lodging to the spies and sent them off in a different direction? 26 As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead."
If we go too far down the road of "Self", that's bad. However, if we go too far up the road to "Others", that's equally bad. Deeds without faith is NOTHING. Faith without deeds is NOTHING. We need to find a middle way between Self and Others and a middle way between Faith and Deeds. If I never polish my Spiritual Armor and sharpen my Sword of Truth (Ephesians 6:10-20), then I'm going to get rusty and dull real quick. Sure, maybe I've done 5 awesome things for somebody, but if I've used all the gas in the tank, then I'm not good for anybody.
Say what you will about the Left Behind books, a series by Tim Lahaye and Jerry B. Jenkins about their fictitious portrayal of the End Times happe
ning in modern times, there is one portion that I can't get out my head. One of the main characters, Bruce Barnes, was a pastor at a church. All of a sudden one night, the Rapture happens and people just disappear right out of their clothes, ostensibly all of the Christians. However, Bruce Barnes, one of the first you'd expect to go (being a pastor), was left behind.
This is where the "circular spectrum" comes into play. One end of this is Self and the other is... Others. I've already spoken about each of these selfishly, but here's what Bruce thought happened to him: Although he considered himself a Christian, he had selfishly been so focused getting to Heaven that he spent all of his time on others. Did you catch that?
He allowed his focus on others to be motivated by his own efforts to get into Heaven.
Rather than creating a healthy blend of the two opposites of Faith and Deeds or Self and Others, he created a murky gray area in between that ended up only hurting his self. In 1 Samuel 16:8, "The Lord says to Samuel, 'Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks as the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.'"
Life is about loving God and our neighbor. However, we can't neglect our own spirituality. On top of that, we need to make sure that our motives for either one remain pure.
I need to have a personal relationship with God, because it's the right thing to do. Because I'm a disgusting human. Because I've fallen and I can't get up (without God). I need to love and serve my neighbor as I would like to be, because it's the right thing to do. Because God has commanded me to. Because perhaps through that (if I don't screw it up), God can work to touch another life.
I need to keep focusing on my relationship as well, though, because if I don't then my cup will no longer runneth over. It will become bone dry.
I can't live without faith. I can't have faith without deeds. I need to serve others, but I have to be self-centered to grow enough with God to be able to do it. And I need to do all this with a pure heart, consecrated by God.
I hope that if you find this also speaking to you, you will spend some time talking it over with God. If you need anything, get hold of me. I'll be happy to help, love, and serve you. You might have to leave a message though... I may be talking to God at the time.
Life is not about me. But it is.
"15 But I have not used any of these rights. And I am not writing this in the hope that you will do such things for me. I would rather die than have anyone deprive me of this boast. 16 Yet when I preach the gospel, I cannot boast, for I am compelled to preach. Woe to me if I do not preach the gospel! 17 If I preach voluntarily, I have a reward; if not voluntarily, I am simply discharging the trust committed to me. 18 What then is my reward? Just this: that in preaching the gospel I may offer it free of charge, and so not make use of my rights in preaching it."
19 Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. 20 To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. 21 To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. 22 To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. 23 I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings."
24 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize."
25 Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. 26 Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. 27 No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."
Oh Paul, Paul, dear Paul. Do you realize the standard you set for the rest of us?
This note is a Part Two to a previous note of mine entitled, "Words fromt the Amnesiac: It's Not About Me". I concluded that post with these words:
I didn’t have to be concerned about being impressive... Once I got up there at the pulpit, I felt somewhat of a peace. I wasn’t up there to impress the congregation. I wasn’t there to deliver my grand insight. I was there to hopefully be a conduit of God with a message for His people out of His Word.
Of course that doesn’t free a worship leader from the responsibility of studying, growing, preparing, and trying to do their best job possible. But this insight helped me immensely. I have learned that if I am faithful to what God wants for me, then to a considerable extent it doesn’t matter what people think. I’m not looking for success or rewards on a human level. I’m looking to be a pleasing fragrance to God.
It’s not about me. It’s about trying to be useable by God. It’s not about my performance. It’s about attempting to allow God to perform through me. This life isn’t about me. It’s about loving and serving the people around me at all times. This is both freeing and a huge responsibility. I’ll leave you with some words from Tony Dungy that have touched me and are guiding my life right now.
“Touching lives. Building a legacy – not necessarily on the field, but in those places that most people will never see…My purpose in life is simply to glorify God. We have to be careful that we don’t let the pursuit of our life’s goals, no matter how important they seem, cause us to lose sight of our purpose…
“The good I can do to glorify God along the way is my real purpose. I want to help people see the path to eternal life through Christ, to enjoy an abundant life now, and fulfill their God-given purposes here. We are all role models to someone in this world, and we can all have an impact – for good.”- Tony Dungy, Quiet Strength, p. 301
The main point of that post centered around the fact that life is not about me. It's about God. It's about loving and serving Him by loving and serving others...by being Christ to those around me. There's a beautiful song that says, "They'll know we are Christians by our love." That is so true.
However, after much thinking and reflecting on these sentiments, I have felt an evolution in that thought. You see, I stumbled upon Paul's words recently, and they have been working on me. You see, spirituality is a journey, and even if we find a waypoint, much like the blog post I referenced was for me, there is still more room for growth.
The last few months, based on the "It's not about me" mentality (which I think is important for all of us), I have been especially focused on trying to be all things to all people. I've learned that as an Associate Pastor, there really is nothing that doesn't fall under my job description. I've loved getting to know the people in our church and serving as best as I can. From the hospital visits to shut-in visits to preaching to youth group activities to cleaning up after youth group activities to so many more things, I have loved what I'm doing. I truly feel as though I am a pastor. This is most definitely what I am called to do.
However, there is a possibility to get too wrapped up in all of this. I can now find my identity as an associate pastor. That is just who I am. I love the work I'm doing. That can't be where I find my identity, though. Nor can it be as a family man or student or anything else. I am first and foremost, a child of God. There should be my main identity. An important thought, but I won't go too much further than that (it's a simple truth...it's both sufficient and a starting point all on its own...I digress though).
In addition to learning about spirituality as a journey, though, I'm also realizing that every single issue or thought that occurs will fall somewhere on a spectrum of extremes. However, for this topic, I'm going to put it on a circular spectrum (I'll explain later).
The blog post that I referenced earlier was speaking towards not ending up at a certain extreme of self-centeredness. Believe it or not, we Christians can become VERY self-centered.
"This is my church."
"I'm too busy to help out."
"I think God is telling us to only use a certain type of music in the service."
"I didn't get enough out of worship today."
"I don't feel like they appreciate me enough."
"I prefer the way I do things."
"I don't need to do that. Somebody else can."
In just a few short months as a pastor I've heard all of these and more, and even thought them myself occasionally. There's one extreme.
At the other end of this spectrum is going TOO far the opposite direction. Yes, I believe it is possible to do too much. It is possible to serve too much. It is possible to give to much. Don't lynch me yet, hang with me.
There are times when we get to a point where we have done so much that we have neglected our own spiritual needs. Paul has encouraged and commissioned me (and all of us, as we all are to minister God's Word to the World) to be all things to all people. However, we can't forget that he also commissioned us to "Run in such a way as to get the prize." We have to go "into strict training."
While life isn't about us, we can't neglect us. This leads to burn-out, or worse... uselessness!
James is another of my favorite Biblical authors as the youth group can tell you, and here is what has been working on me and pushing all these thoughts around in my head:
James 2:14-26
"14 What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? 15 Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. 16 If one of you says to him, “Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? 17 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead."
18 But someone will say, “You have faith; I have deeds.”
"Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do. 19 You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that–and shudder.
"20 You foolish man, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless? 21 Was not our ancestor Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? 22 You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did. 23 And the scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,” and he was called God's friend. 24 You see that a person is justified by what he does and not by faith alone."
25 In the same way, was not even Rahab the prostitute considered righteous for what she did when she gave lodging to the spies and sent them off in a different direction? 26 As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead."
If we go too far down the road of "Self", that's bad. However, if we go too far up the road to "Others", that's equally bad. Deeds without faith is NOTHING. Faith without deeds is NOTHING. We need to find a middle way between Self and Others and a middle way between Faith and Deeds. If I never polish my Spiritual Armor and sharpen my Sword of Truth (Ephesians 6:10-20), then I'm going to get rusty and dull real quick. Sure, maybe I've done 5 awesome things for somebody, but if I've used all the gas in the tank, then I'm not good for anybody.
Say what you will about the Left Behind books, a series by Tim Lahaye and Jerry B. Jenkins about their fictitious portrayal of the End Times happe
ning in modern times, there is one portion that I can't get out my head. One of the main characters, Bruce Barnes, was a pastor at a church. All of a sudden one night, the Rapture happens and people just disappear right out of their clothes, ostensibly all of the Christians. However, Bruce Barnes, one of the first you'd expect to go (being a pastor), was left behind.This is where the "circular spectrum" comes into play. One end of this is Self and the other is... Others. I've already spoken about each of these selfishly, but here's what Bruce thought happened to him: Although he considered himself a Christian, he had selfishly been so focused getting to Heaven that he spent all of his time on others. Did you catch that?
He allowed his focus on others to be motivated by his own efforts to get into Heaven.
Rather than creating a healthy blend of the two opposites of Faith and Deeds or Self and Others, he created a murky gray area in between that ended up only hurting his self. In 1 Samuel 16:8, "The Lord says to Samuel, 'Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks as the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.'"
Life is about loving God and our neighbor. However, we can't neglect our own spirituality. On top of that, we need to make sure that our motives for either one remain pure.
I need to have a personal relationship with God, because it's the right thing to do. Because I'm a disgusting human. Because I've fallen and I can't get up (without God). I need to love and serve my neighbor as I would like to be, because it's the right thing to do. Because God has commanded me to. Because perhaps through that (if I don't screw it up), God can work to touch another life.
I need to keep focusing on my relationship as well, though, because if I don't then my cup will no longer runneth over. It will become bone dry.
I can't live without faith. I can't have faith without deeds. I need to serve others, but I have to be self-centered to grow enough with God to be able to do it. And I need to do all this with a pure heart, consecrated by God.
I hope that if you find this also speaking to you, you will spend some time talking it over with God. If you need anything, get hold of me. I'll be happy to help, love, and serve you. You might have to leave a message though... I may be talking to God at the time.
Life is not about me. But it is.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Words From the Amnesiac - Confusion by night, Slightly less by day
"These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the fulfillment of the ages has come. So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." - 1 Corinthians 10:11-13
Paul says that these examples (refer to vv 1-10 of that chapter) were written down and remembered for his audience to "keep us from setting our hearts on evil things as they did." In addition to his laundry list, I do believe that crippling doubt that talks us out of our convictions could be considered "evil." A balance is needed, I think, between not enough doubt and too much.
At three in the morning, fresh off of our harrowing experiences with Jakob's seizures, let's just say that I was feeling desperate. In addition to the basic ponderings of "How can I let myself sleep when my child may have a silent seizure at night and I'll never know?", this experience has also caused me question about my own security and confidence in social situations. For an amnesiac, withdrawing from life is only natural, and although I can (and have been) attempt to overcome that feeling, it's still there in some small measure. I think it's the stress of events with Jakob that have contributed to this, coupled with exhaustion, but I've already proved that feeling as a manageable one in the last few months.
At the time of my most recent posting, I was nearly ready to call on St. Jude because I was so near the end of my rope. It was certainly cathartic to get everything written and calm my mind through that, but the questions remained. Although sleep eluded me until 5:30 am, it did enough to refresh my mind.
Today, of course, I've thought a lot about my questions. Then in the midst of cooking supper, the 1 Corinthians passage jumped into my head. I remember looking at it a few weeks ago as I was preparing a youth lesson on the first few verses of James.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double‑minded man, unstable in all he does...Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." - James 1:2-8, 12
As I told the students, no, the situations and trials aren't anywhere near joyful, and I believe it's okay to be downright upset about them. That can't be where we leave it, though. We can't be defined by our circumstances. A bad situation does not dictate your life (unless you let it). Paul tells us that we aren't tested beyond what we can handle, and God provides a way out. Please note he doesn't say the way out is easy. However, we can choose to overcome and define our situations rather than be defined by them. So, don't limit yourself to just trying to be joyful about crappy situations.
No. Take a crappy situation and show it who's boss! What James, I think, is telling us, is to find little joys within the trials. For example, with my memory loss, although at one time it wasn't, I have been able to be joyful in the fact that everything is new to me again! How many people get that chance? In this situation with Jakob, although more joys will come, I want to focus on one in particular.
I am joyful for desperation. As I was cooking our Manwich tonight, as soon as I turned to the 1 Corinthians passage, my whole lesson on the first part of James came flooding back to me. Then my midnight musings, although still unanswered, found some peace. I can't do a thing about Jakob's seizures, which by the way, may have been a one-off fluke. If they happen again, I need to keep a cool head, watch the clock, and keep obstacles away from him, praying all the while. However, I still don't know how or why he's getting them or why I had to be so scared or why my doubt peaked as it did or why I feel unable to see myself as sufficient in so many areas, especially as a father.
I have no answers, but the desperation of the night caused my doubt to reach fever pitch and require me to take an inward look, once again, to dust off any cobwebs that may have accumulated spiritually. Although I'm still dusting and looking and attempting to answer these things, I understand and praise God that He will not let this break our family. We have gotten through so much this year, and this time will be no different. He will not test us beyond our capabilities.
However, we're left with a choice. To be defined, or not to be, that is the question. No, we will not be. Although right now I'm again in our living room armchair in the wee hours flinching at every movement he makes for fear of another seizure and trying to decipher whether that cough was just a cough or him getting sick, we will be able to get back to "normal" in the near future and use this new twist in our situation to strengthen Heather's and my marriage and our family.
Doubt and Desperation. Two surprising and perhaps unpopular joys, but things that I thank God for, nonetheless. These are what require me to continue persevering as James tells us to do. I may never be spiritually mature, but it is a journey of perseverance that cannot be quit.
This situation also serves to reinforce my idea that a touch (or maybe even a monsoon) of desperation brought about by life is what also urges us to continue moving towards God, or at least something more than life on earth can provide. If we lost this sense of urgency to get closer to God, we could get very complacent in our lives and our churches.
As a pastor, what can I do to add a touch of desperation to the lives and life of our congregation? Not artificially or overwhelmingly, but how can I help our people see that even in a "good" life that is all set with few problems and trials, there is still room for desperation for God?If this desperation serves to jump-start a new layer of faith in my life, could this be extrapolated to more people than just me in the congregation? Or even the church as a whole? How do you help people who don't think they need anything feel desperate enough to need/want to need God again?
I'm not sure. All I know is that right now I am thankful for the daytime. My confusion by night was certainly alleviated with some sleep and some light. A new clarity has, for some reason, been granted. Like my amnesia, though, it isn't clarity into the hows or whys of the illness, but into how to cope with it and why it's important to do so in a positive way.
I hope that this helps somebody. Please continue praying for little Jakob and our family. Please, also, pray for the touch of doubt and desperation (at least in some small measure) in your own life to help spur you into reviewing and refreshing your own faith with God. I promise it will be worth it.
Paul says that these examples (refer to vv 1-10 of that chapter) were written down and remembered for his audience to "keep us from setting our hearts on evil things as they did." In addition to his laundry list, I do believe that crippling doubt that talks us out of our convictions could be considered "evil." A balance is needed, I think, between not enough doubt and too much.
At three in the morning, fresh off of our harrowing experiences with Jakob's seizures, let's just say that I was feeling desperate. In addition to the basic ponderings of "How can I let myself sleep when my child may have a silent seizure at night and I'll never know?", this experience has also caused me question about my own security and confidence in social situations. For an amnesiac, withdrawing from life is only natural, and although I can (and have been) attempt to overcome that feeling, it's still there in some small measure. I think it's the stress of events with Jakob that have contributed to this, coupled with exhaustion, but I've already proved that feeling as a manageable one in the last few months.
At the time of my most recent posting, I was nearly ready to call on St. Jude because I was so near the end of my rope. It was certainly cathartic to get everything written and calm my mind through that, but the questions remained. Although sleep eluded me until 5:30 am, it did enough to refresh my mind.
Today, of course, I've thought a lot about my questions. Then in the midst of cooking supper, the 1 Corinthians passage jumped into my head. I remember looking at it a few weeks ago as I was preparing a youth lesson on the first few verses of James.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double‑minded man, unstable in all he does...Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." - James 1:2-8, 12
As I told the students, no, the situations and trials aren't anywhere near joyful, and I believe it's okay to be downright upset about them. That can't be where we leave it, though. We can't be defined by our circumstances. A bad situation does not dictate your life (unless you let it). Paul tells us that we aren't tested beyond what we can handle, and God provides a way out. Please note he doesn't say the way out is easy. However, we can choose to overcome and define our situations rather than be defined by them. So, don't limit yourself to just trying to be joyful about crappy situations.
No. Take a crappy situation and show it who's boss! What James, I think, is telling us, is to find little joys within the trials. For example, with my memory loss, although at one time it wasn't, I have been able to be joyful in the fact that everything is new to me again! How many people get that chance? In this situation with Jakob, although more joys will come, I want to focus on one in particular.
I am joyful for desperation. As I was cooking our Manwich tonight, as soon as I turned to the 1 Corinthians passage, my whole lesson on the first part of James came flooding back to me. Then my midnight musings, although still unanswered, found some peace. I can't do a thing about Jakob's seizures, which by the way, may have been a one-off fluke. If they happen again, I need to keep a cool head, watch the clock, and keep obstacles away from him, praying all the while. However, I still don't know how or why he's getting them or why I had to be so scared or why my doubt peaked as it did or why I feel unable to see myself as sufficient in so many areas, especially as a father.
I have no answers, but the desperation of the night caused my doubt to reach fever pitch and require me to take an inward look, once again, to dust off any cobwebs that may have accumulated spiritually. Although I'm still dusting and looking and attempting to answer these things, I understand and praise God that He will not let this break our family. We have gotten through so much this year, and this time will be no different. He will not test us beyond our capabilities.
However, we're left with a choice. To be defined, or not to be, that is the question. No, we will not be. Although right now I'm again in our living room armchair in the wee hours flinching at every movement he makes for fear of another seizure and trying to decipher whether that cough was just a cough or him getting sick, we will be able to get back to "normal" in the near future and use this new twist in our situation to strengthen Heather's and my marriage and our family.
Doubt and Desperation. Two surprising and perhaps unpopular joys, but things that I thank God for, nonetheless. These are what require me to continue persevering as James tells us to do. I may never be spiritually mature, but it is a journey of perseverance that cannot be quit.
This situation also serves to reinforce my idea that a touch (or maybe even a monsoon) of desperation brought about by life is what also urges us to continue moving towards God, or at least something more than life on earth can provide. If we lost this sense of urgency to get closer to God, we could get very complacent in our lives and our churches.
As a pastor, what can I do to add a touch of desperation to the lives and life of our congregation? Not artificially or overwhelmingly, but how can I help our people see that even in a "good" life that is all set with few problems and trials, there is still room for desperation for God?If this desperation serves to jump-start a new layer of faith in my life, could this be extrapolated to more people than just me in the congregation? Or even the church as a whole? How do you help people who don't think they need anything feel desperate enough to need/want to need God again?
I'm not sure. All I know is that right now I am thankful for the daytime. My confusion by night was certainly alleviated with some sleep and some light. A new clarity has, for some reason, been granted. Like my amnesia, though, it isn't clarity into the hows or whys of the illness, but into how to cope with it and why it's important to do so in a positive way.
I hope that this helps somebody. Please continue praying for little Jakob and our family. Please, also, pray for the touch of doubt and desperation (at least in some small measure) in your own life to help spur you into reviewing and refreshing your own faith with God. I promise it will be worth it.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Words From the Amnesiac - Sleeping with Seizures
"Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." James 5:13-16
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:4-7
Hello All.
I am still finding it difficult to keep the emotional aspect of my faith connected. I mean, I feel as though it is something that I have to generate sometimes. Those "sometimes" are generally the lower points in my journey.
Discussion: James is thus far my favorite book of the Bible. When your life starts off in a state of confusion and uproar, you can immediately feel drawn into James' opening passage. It felt as though I was part of James' audience. When I get to the passage that I put at the top of this note, though, I find that my faith is put to the test.
I can understand the facts that our family has been blessed. I can truly appreciate and look for and see some guiding hand over all the events of the last four months (by the way, can you all believe that it has been 4 months since my accident!?). To take the leap of faith to say I see God's movement in our lives is difficult, but I can truly see His guidance over these last four months. I am truly grateful for how we've been blessed, more so than most families.
This also carries with it an acceptance of the fact that frequently these blessings are answers to prayer. Not all are. Certainly God is generous enough to bless His children just because. Certainly He also blesses as answers to prayer, and our family definitely is aware that there are so many countless people praying for us.
However, on a personal, individual level, I find praying difficult. Not out loud or in front of people. Not even all the time. In fact, a majority of the time I trust God to answer my prayers and pray again that I may be able/willing/mature/wise enough to accept whatever answer He gives (whether I wanted or expected that particular answer or not). Aside from typical public speaking nerves, I feel that praying out loud is merely raising the volume on my internal/silent prayers - they both come from the heart, and my prayer doesn't change for an audience of people - God is my audience.
SO - Most of the time I don't question my faith, accept God's blessings and answers to prayers in all their forms, and trust that God actually answers prayers... Most of the Time.
However, as I alluded to earlier, on the downward curves of my journey, these things can't help but be overshadowed by minimal amount of doubt that I can't yet let go of. As I have discussed in other notes, I think a small measure of doubt is healthy in a spiritual relationship (or perhaps even more types of relationships) because it requires me to continue investigating, digging further, and verifying my current beliefs while enhancing the possibilities for growth.
As the journey of life moves up and down, this doubt waxes and wanes - much like you can observe with most people's relationships with God. The better life is, the less they rely on God. The worse life is, the more they cling to Him. Likewise, the better life is for our family, the smaller the doubt gets (though it never disappears). The worse life is, the more the doubt grows, sometimes to the point of overwhelming my recently gained and hard-fought accomplishments in all areas of life, especially in spiritual matters.
Right now I find myself in one of those downward turns. Despite the things just discussed, though, such as my knowledge and trust of God, His blessings, and His answers to prayers, I can't help but wonder...just a little...even a smidge... if somebody's fooling me.
Perhaps I'm trying to take the words of the Bible TOO literally (which is possible), but I'm fairly certain that any Christian worth their salt is faithful enough to trust in the power of prayer. So, am I not worth my salt? Or, as James concludes this passage with, am I not righteous enough? Why do I feel as though my prayers aren't being answered. HANG ON Rather - Why am I not able to accept the answer or the time frame that God puts on my request. Why am I so impatient? Or selfish?
There's the crux of my doubt. Why am I not enough? Simply enough? Patient enough? Humble enough? Convicted enough? Strong enough? Faithful enough? Real enough? So maybe I'm only four months old in my faith, but is it too much to ask for these things?? Or to expect them??? How can I find or develop them? What will it take for me to overcome this doubt?
You see right now my doubt is really at the highest it's been in at least six weeks or so. Why? At 5 pm on Tuesday evening, Kaity and Jakob and I were about to head out the door when he had a pretty nasty diaper. It was nasty enough that I needed to give him a bath. As I'm lowering him into the tub he suddenly goes rigid and his eyes roll back into head. Not only do I freak out and get Kaity to call 911, my mind is faced with an onslaught of emotion and questions.
Why us? What have we done to deserve so many WONDERFUL life experiences lately? What is wrong with him? Is he alive? Why can't I get him to respond? How could such an amazing God let all this stuff happen to us? HOW on earth can anybody dare to call us blessed when we have the worst luck ever?
In my suddent panic I also got a brief half a second glimpse of a baseball bat in the dark swinging at me. Why would this trigger now? Where's the rest of it? JAKOB!!!???
Nearly two minutes later he is starting to come out of it and is able to start looking around, but he just wants to go to sleep. By this time, emergency personnel are there and getting him cleaned up (I didn't get him into the tub, remember?) and we're loading into the ambulance. I've also called or had Kaity call (both happened) Heather, Terry (Heather's mom), Angi (Heather's sister), and Rodger (our pastor and my boss), and had Kaity gather up some things in preparation for leaving. We get to the hospital, go through a CT scan, and Jakob begins really to return to normal nearly an hour after the initial incident (waking up and moving and responding). By 8pm they're sending us home with a clean CT, what could be a seizure but didn't really look like one, and the gratefulness that we've still got our son.
We get home, I get him out of the car, and the four steps from his car door around to the front of the car pass with him falling into another seizure. This one was full-blown. The term is a "grand mal seizure". This time the ambulance takes us to Ball Memorial Hospital (which was our first choice the first time). Long story short...
We're back home now. Many people may rush to think/hope that it is a fever or febrile seizure. However, the second seizure automatically rules that out. However, we're not able to call it epilepsy or any other illness. Jakob just randomly had two seizures with an unknown cause and an unknown prognosis as to whether or not he'll have more. He's fine, and certainly back up to his two-year-old orneriness and tricks. However, Heather and I are scared to death. It's currently about 2:20 am, Heather's on the sofa sleeping, and I'm in our armchair in the living room beside her typing this while watching Jakob sleep on our video monitor. Short of forcing him to sleep with us (which he wouldn't do), we have no clue how to even calm ourselves enough to think that he can be in there all by himself and stay safe (i.e. have seizures and be ok).
I've had a lot of time to think since his first seizure, and this has devastated me. I'm back to being slightly panicky (especially about him), doubtful of my ability to parent, and mad... at The Almighty.
Take my memories, but why allow this to happen to an innocent two-year old? Then, why not at least give us an inkling of an idea of where to go from here? Not even the doctors know! This is pretty much unheard of in a two year old. WHY? Deep breath, Jeff, you know God wouldn't do this. This is a result of the Fall, human frailty, and overactive neurons in the brain. God didn't do this
So now I'm mad at myself for even trying to be mad at the Almighty, and my doubt is growing. I'm embarrassed for the outburst in my head while Jakob was seizing the first time (can we control our inner monologue? Are we held responsible for such subversive thoughts?). I'm back to that paragraph earlier about being enough? If I was strong enough to be faithful enough and humble enough to be patient enough...Argh...It's all just rolling over and over in my head right now.
BOTTOM LINE OF THIS DISCUSSION - I still have more growing to do. Although I do trust in God and His providence and His promise to answer our prayers, clearly I am only at the point where I trust these things wholly while life is going well. I'm afraid and embarrassed at the thought that when the going gets tough my faithful resolve crumbles. Although I want to maintain my little bit of doubt for growth purposes, I don't want it to cripple me like this.
To all the readers (I'm still shocked that folks ask me to write more) - I hope that my questions will not scare you as to my progress, but encourage you to check your own heart and relationship with God. I wonder, am I attempting to be too self-reliant in my faith? Am I not allowing God to work? Where is this balance at?
To end the discussion, though, I know that this isn't the end of our world. I still have a beautiful wife and two beautiful children, thankfully. I also know, truly in my heart, that God is taking care of us. I had my moment of weakness and panic, but I know that God is holding us in His hand. I also know that, my prayer requests may not even be asking the right questions, but they are sincere and heart felt and God has listened. I still wonder and doubt, although I know these things deep down.
What I need to do, and what I want to ask all of us to do, is to make sure that we are relying on God in all situations. When we lose our heads and attempt to wrest control of life from Him is when we stray both in our minds, hearts, and actions. I wasn't strong enough to do that in this situation, and I still have much growth to achieve, but I hope that next time I'll able to rely on His strength when mine is gone.
I don't want to convince myself of my faith. I want to be so thoroughly wowed by God that I can't help but believe Him. You know? I don't want to even get close to being disingenuine or having a manufactured faith. I know that mine isn't yet, but I think that it's not outside the realm of possibility to think that I see spiritual giants in my life and I want to emulate them and their faith, so I might be tempted to try crafting what looks like their faith. After re-reading my opening comments, I see where those thoughts could go. It is also a prayer of mine that all of us would attempt to seek a deeper, more real, fearful, and faithful understanding of God to help stop the path that may lead anybody anywhere near a manufactured faith. God is the manufacturer, His products never fail. All we can produce are cheap imitations of faith that don't last. Allow Him to be your supplier of faith.
Thank you.
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:4-7
Hello All.
I am still finding it difficult to keep the emotional aspect of my faith connected. I mean, I feel as though it is something that I have to generate sometimes. Those "sometimes" are generally the lower points in my journey.
Discussion: James is thus far my favorite book of the Bible. When your life starts off in a state of confusion and uproar, you can immediately feel drawn into James' opening passage. It felt as though I was part of James' audience. When I get to the passage that I put at the top of this note, though, I find that my faith is put to the test.
I can understand the facts that our family has been blessed. I can truly appreciate and look for and see some guiding hand over all the events of the last four months (by the way, can you all believe that it has been 4 months since my accident!?). To take the leap of faith to say I see God's movement in our lives is difficult, but I can truly see His guidance over these last four months. I am truly grateful for how we've been blessed, more so than most families.
This also carries with it an acceptance of the fact that frequently these blessings are answers to prayer. Not all are. Certainly God is generous enough to bless His children just because. Certainly He also blesses as answers to prayer, and our family definitely is aware that there are so many countless people praying for us.
However, on a personal, individual level, I find praying difficult. Not out loud or in front of people. Not even all the time. In fact, a majority of the time I trust God to answer my prayers and pray again that I may be able/willing/mature/wise enough to accept whatever answer He gives (whether I wanted or expected that particular answer or not). Aside from typical public speaking nerves, I feel that praying out loud is merely raising the volume on my internal/silent prayers - they both come from the heart, and my prayer doesn't change for an audience of people - God is my audience.
SO - Most of the time I don't question my faith, accept God's blessings and answers to prayers in all their forms, and trust that God actually answers prayers... Most of the Time.
However, as I alluded to earlier, on the downward curves of my journey, these things can't help but be overshadowed by minimal amount of doubt that I can't yet let go of. As I have discussed in other notes, I think a small measure of doubt is healthy in a spiritual relationship (or perhaps even more types of relationships) because it requires me to continue investigating, digging further, and verifying my current beliefs while enhancing the possibilities for growth.
As the journey of life moves up and down, this doubt waxes and wanes - much like you can observe with most people's relationships with God. The better life is, the less they rely on God. The worse life is, the more they cling to Him. Likewise, the better life is for our family, the smaller the doubt gets (though it never disappears). The worse life is, the more the doubt grows, sometimes to the point of overwhelming my recently gained and hard-fought accomplishments in all areas of life, especially in spiritual matters.
Right now I find myself in one of those downward turns. Despite the things just discussed, though, such as my knowledge and trust of God, His blessings, and His answers to prayers, I can't help but wonder...just a little...even a smidge... if somebody's fooling me.
Perhaps I'm trying to take the words of the Bible TOO literally (which is possible), but I'm fairly certain that any Christian worth their salt is faithful enough to trust in the power of prayer. So, am I not worth my salt? Or, as James concludes this passage with, am I not righteous enough? Why do I feel as though my prayers aren't being answered. HANG ON Rather - Why am I not able to accept the answer or the time frame that God puts on my request. Why am I so impatient? Or selfish?
There's the crux of my doubt. Why am I not enough? Simply enough? Patient enough? Humble enough? Convicted enough? Strong enough? Faithful enough? Real enough? So maybe I'm only four months old in my faith, but is it too much to ask for these things?? Or to expect them??? How can I find or develop them? What will it take for me to overcome this doubt?
You see right now my doubt is really at the highest it's been in at least six weeks or so. Why? At 5 pm on Tuesday evening, Kaity and Jakob and I were about to head out the door when he had a pretty nasty diaper. It was nasty enough that I needed to give him a bath. As I'm lowering him into the tub he suddenly goes rigid and his eyes roll back into head. Not only do I freak out and get Kaity to call 911, my mind is faced with an onslaught of emotion and questions.
Why us? What have we done to deserve so many WONDERFUL life experiences lately? What is wrong with him? Is he alive? Why can't I get him to respond? How could such an amazing God let all this stuff happen to us? HOW on earth can anybody dare to call us blessed when we have the worst luck ever?
In my suddent panic I also got a brief half a second glimpse of a baseball bat in the dark swinging at me. Why would this trigger now? Where's the rest of it? JAKOB!!!???
Nearly two minutes later he is starting to come out of it and is able to start looking around, but he just wants to go to sleep. By this time, emergency personnel are there and getting him cleaned up (I didn't get him into the tub, remember?) and we're loading into the ambulance. I've also called or had Kaity call (both happened) Heather, Terry (Heather's mom), Angi (Heather's sister), and Rodger (our pastor and my boss), and had Kaity gather up some things in preparation for leaving. We get to the hospital, go through a CT scan, and Jakob begins really to return to normal nearly an hour after the initial incident (waking up and moving and responding). By 8pm they're sending us home with a clean CT, what could be a seizure but didn't really look like one, and the gratefulness that we've still got our son.
We get home, I get him out of the car, and the four steps from his car door around to the front of the car pass with him falling into another seizure. This one was full-blown. The term is a "grand mal seizure". This time the ambulance takes us to Ball Memorial Hospital (which was our first choice the first time). Long story short...
We're back home now. Many people may rush to think/hope that it is a fever or febrile seizure. However, the second seizure automatically rules that out. However, we're not able to call it epilepsy or any other illness. Jakob just randomly had two seizures with an unknown cause and an unknown prognosis as to whether or not he'll have more. He's fine, and certainly back up to his two-year-old orneriness and tricks. However, Heather and I are scared to death. It's currently about 2:20 am, Heather's on the sofa sleeping, and I'm in our armchair in the living room beside her typing this while watching Jakob sleep on our video monitor. Short of forcing him to sleep with us (which he wouldn't do), we have no clue how to even calm ourselves enough to think that he can be in there all by himself and stay safe (i.e. have seizures and be ok).
I've had a lot of time to think since his first seizure, and this has devastated me. I'm back to being slightly panicky (especially about him), doubtful of my ability to parent, and mad... at The Almighty.
Take my memories, but why allow this to happen to an innocent two-year old? Then, why not at least give us an inkling of an idea of where to go from here? Not even the doctors know! This is pretty much unheard of in a two year old. WHY? Deep breath, Jeff, you know God wouldn't do this. This is a result of the Fall, human frailty, and overactive neurons in the brain. God didn't do this
So now I'm mad at myself for even trying to be mad at the Almighty, and my doubt is growing. I'm embarrassed for the outburst in my head while Jakob was seizing the first time (can we control our inner monologue? Are we held responsible for such subversive thoughts?). I'm back to that paragraph earlier about being enough? If I was strong enough to be faithful enough and humble enough to be patient enough...Argh...It's all just rolling over and over in my head right now.
BOTTOM LINE OF THIS DISCUSSION - I still have more growing to do. Although I do trust in God and His providence and His promise to answer our prayers, clearly I am only at the point where I trust these things wholly while life is going well. I'm afraid and embarrassed at the thought that when the going gets tough my faithful resolve crumbles. Although I want to maintain my little bit of doubt for growth purposes, I don't want it to cripple me like this.
To all the readers (I'm still shocked that folks ask me to write more) - I hope that my questions will not scare you as to my progress, but encourage you to check your own heart and relationship with God. I wonder, am I attempting to be too self-reliant in my faith? Am I not allowing God to work? Where is this balance at?
To end the discussion, though, I know that this isn't the end of our world. I still have a beautiful wife and two beautiful children, thankfully. I also know, truly in my heart, that God is taking care of us. I had my moment of weakness and panic, but I know that God is holding us in His hand. I also know that, my prayer requests may not even be asking the right questions, but they are sincere and heart felt and God has listened. I still wonder and doubt, although I know these things deep down.
What I need to do, and what I want to ask all of us to do, is to make sure that we are relying on God in all situations. When we lose our heads and attempt to wrest control of life from Him is when we stray both in our minds, hearts, and actions. I wasn't strong enough to do that in this situation, and I still have much growth to achieve, but I hope that next time I'll able to rely on His strength when mine is gone.
I don't want to convince myself of my faith. I want to be so thoroughly wowed by God that I can't help but believe Him. You know? I don't want to even get close to being disingenuine or having a manufactured faith. I know that mine isn't yet, but I think that it's not outside the realm of possibility to think that I see spiritual giants in my life and I want to emulate them and their faith, so I might be tempted to try crafting what looks like their faith. After re-reading my opening comments, I see where those thoughts could go. It is also a prayer of mine that all of us would attempt to seek a deeper, more real, fearful, and faithful understanding of God to help stop the path that may lead anybody anywhere near a manufactured faith. God is the manufacturer, His products never fail. All we can produce are cheap imitations of faith that don't last. Allow Him to be your supplier of faith.
Thank you.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Words from the Amnesiac - It's Not About Me
“Now brothers, I want to remind you of the gospel I preached to you, which you received and on which you have taken your stand. By this gospel you are saved, if you hold firmly to the word I preached to you. Otherwise, you have believed in vain. For what I received I passed on to you as of first importance: that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures…”
- 1 Corinthians 15:1-3
This life is not about me.
Out of necessity I have been extremely self-focused in the last 3 ½ months. I have had (and still have) so much to learn and grow from. From basic living type things (not touching a hot stove, using the restroom) to more involved type things (spirituality, emotions, roles of parenting and marriage), I have had a major crash course in life.
Only a few leisurely things like reading (which is also important) or playing video games could be called “easy” for me to have picked up. Any sort of social situation has been excruciatingly hard, though. A constant state of paranoia, fear, and anxiety, especially in social settings, has been the dominating factor in my life. Fear is a powerful thing. Perhaps in a different time I might agree with FDR that we have nothing to fear but fear itself.
Needless to say, it’s only in the last couple of weeks that I have been able to begin truly emerging from my stress-induced cocoon of these emotions. That means that until then life has been a constant struggle of “Yes, I want…” or “No, I don’t want…” according to how my mood and my fears were reacting that day. Because of my situation I have had to make myself my own first priority.
Only recently have I been able to start combating/ignoring/dealing with (insert any or all) my fears. I’ve been working at the church for partial days in an attempt to eventually resume my duties as an Associate Pastor for a couple months, and that has gotten easier and easier to go into the office lately. Between that and the progress that I’ve made on the Spiritual Life Campaign, I’ve really begun to gain a lot of confidence.
Throughout this whole period, I’ve also started a spiritual journey again, as you know. I’ve been reading the Bible quite a bit and trying to figure out how to have faith again. It’s not easy, it takes patience, and sadly, a person can’t force faith or a relationship with God just by reading a lot. It takes a combination of faith and deeds, as James talks about in the Bible. It’s coming along, though.
That all leads me up to the present. I’ve been going to church for a few weeks now. I’ve mostly been helping at the soundboard so as to try and circumvent at least a handful of the inevitable social interactions, but I’ve really tried to open up and make myself more approachable to the congregation for the last two weeks, as well.
With all this newfound confidence or bravado (I promise it doesn’t feel like confidence), I have told Rodger that I’d like to begin helping/shadowing him with funerals and hospital visits. We also discussed me starting to read the morning Scripture passage in the church service. I was, of course, thinking that I’d have at least a few weeks before anybody died or went into the hospital. Apparently, though, a pastor’s life is one of surprise, and the trick is to stay on your toes.
We went ahead and scheduled me to read in today’s (10/19) services (we have two), but that’s okay. I’ve had a week or so to mentally prepare and practice. What I wasn’t expecting was a hospital visit. I ended up going with Rodger to a surgery for a gentleman in our congregation and getting my first taste of that. I was surprised to find that I actually enjoyed getting to know the family that was there and sitting with them while John was getting a new hip.
That’s where the big curveball came, though. Before he leaves, Rodger informs me that a gentleman in our congregation has passed away, and since I expressed interest in helping with a funeral, he asked if I’d like to help.
Now, I could have said, “No,” without any problem from Rodger. He wouldn’t have cared, because he’s intent upon my safety and well-being. However, I did want to help, and in the short time I’d spent at the hospital a new thought was forming in my mind. I said, “Yes,” and decided to continue my new branching out.
Rodger got hold of me later in the day to let me know that, if I wanted, I could read the Scriptures at the funeral while handled the rest of the service. It also was with for family that turned out to be my first big hospital visit before my accident (really only a couple days before the break-in). I said yes to that.
As I began looking at the selections from 1 Corinthians 15, John 14, and Romans 8, I started to peruse surrounding chapters for each of these and came across this.
“I thank God that I speak in tongues more than all of you. But in the church I would rather speak five intelligible words to instruct others than ten thousand words in a tongue.”
- 1 Corinthians 14:18-19
Paul’s words helped crystallize the thought that began forming in my head at the hospital. Nothing…not this life or what I do in it is about or for me. So what if I can speak in tongues, run faster than anybody, preach awesome sermons, cure cancer, or anything else…if I am doing it for me, then it doesn’t matter.
The hospital visit, the funeral, and speaking on Sunday mornings… those things aren’t for or about me. Those are things that I can do for others. Those are things that I am doing to fulfill the commandments to love God and my neighbor and be a Christ-like servant. Do you realize how freeing this is?
I was (well…still am) so freaked out about speaking in front of people at the funeral and at church, but I was worried about what people will think about me. Once this verse opened my eyes I realized… that doesn’t matter. It’s not about me. It’s about trying to comfort the family by way of the Scriptures or trying to deliver a message from God and personify His love to His congregation. I’m a conduit… a bypass… hopefully someday a super-highway for God to speak to His people.
But you know what, if I’m doing it for self-gain then it’s all worthless. If I can do it to truly serve and try to be an instrument of God, then it’s all worth it. Perhaps people might tell me good job, but I should take that to mean that I allowed God to speak through me. It wasn’t my power or my words. They are God’s. I’m not there to perform. I’m not there to get any accolades. I’m there to serve and be faithful to God without compensation.
I think that’s what Paul’s talking about in both passages that I used. He wasn’t doing things for himself. In fact, I’m pretty sure that he’d be surprised that we call him one of the most important and influential personalities in the Bible. He didn’t care about any of that. He made himself all things to all people in an effort to serve and be a conduit for God’s Word. He never sought personal gratification for these things, though.
If I can stifle my people-pleasing, approval-seeking ways, then I think I’ll be in good shape. I shouldn’t care what people think. Once that got into my head, I wasn’t nearly as nervous. I felt like, even though I was almost too scared to hug the family at the funeral home, I could use these passages as a hug…not from me… from God.
That meant that I didn’t have to be concerned about being impressive. I was able to be conciliatory to show my love. It was the same way at church (although I was more nervous at church). Once I got up there at the pulpit, I felt somewhat of a peace. I wasn’t up there to impress the congregation. I wasn’t there to deliver my grand insight. I was there to hopefully be a conduit of God with a message for His people out of His Word.
Of course that doesn’t free a worship leader from the responsibility of studying, growing, preparing, and trying to do their best job possible. But this insight helped me immensely. I have learned that if I am faithful to what God wants for me, then to a considerable extent it doesn’t matter what people think. I’m not looking for success or rewards on a human level. I’m looking to be a pleasing fragrance to God.
It’s not about me. It’s about trying to be useable by God. It’s not about my performance. It’s about attempting to allow God to perform through me. This life isn’t about me. It’s about loving and serving the people around me at all times. This is both freeing and a huge responsibility. I’ll leave you with some words from Tony Dungy that have touched me and are guiding my life right now.
“Touching lives. Building a legacy – not necessarily on the field, but in those places that most people will never see…My purpose in life is simply to glorify God. We have to be careful that we don’t let the pursuit of our life’s goals, no matter how important they seem, cause us to lose sight of our purpose…
“The good I can do to glorify God along the way is my real purpose. I want to help people see the path to eternal life through Christ, to enjoy an abundant life now, and fulfill their God-given purposes here. We are all role models to someone in this world, and we can all have an impact – for good.”
- Tony Dungy, Quiet Strength, p. 301
Thank you for listening.
- 1 Corinthians 15:1-3
This life is not about me.
Out of necessity I have been extremely self-focused in the last 3 ½ months. I have had (and still have) so much to learn and grow from. From basic living type things (not touching a hot stove, using the restroom) to more involved type things (spirituality, emotions, roles of parenting and marriage), I have had a major crash course in life.
Only a few leisurely things like reading (which is also important) or playing video games could be called “easy” for me to have picked up. Any sort of social situation has been excruciatingly hard, though. A constant state of paranoia, fear, and anxiety, especially in social settings, has been the dominating factor in my life. Fear is a powerful thing. Perhaps in a different time I might agree with FDR that we have nothing to fear but fear itself.
Needless to say, it’s only in the last couple of weeks that I have been able to begin truly emerging from my stress-induced cocoon of these emotions. That means that until then life has been a constant struggle of “Yes, I want…” or “No, I don’t want…” according to how my mood and my fears were reacting that day. Because of my situation I have had to make myself my own first priority.
Only recently have I been able to start combating/ignoring/dealing with (insert any or all) my fears. I’ve been working at the church for partial days in an attempt to eventually resume my duties as an Associate Pastor for a couple months, and that has gotten easier and easier to go into the office lately. Between that and the progress that I’ve made on the Spiritual Life Campaign, I’ve really begun to gain a lot of confidence.
Throughout this whole period, I’ve also started a spiritual journey again, as you know. I’ve been reading the Bible quite a bit and trying to figure out how to have faith again. It’s not easy, it takes patience, and sadly, a person can’t force faith or a relationship with God just by reading a lot. It takes a combination of faith and deeds, as James talks about in the Bible. It’s coming along, though.
That all leads me up to the present. I’ve been going to church for a few weeks now. I’ve mostly been helping at the soundboard so as to try and circumvent at least a handful of the inevitable social interactions, but I’ve really tried to open up and make myself more approachable to the congregation for the last two weeks, as well.
With all this newfound confidence or bravado (I promise it doesn’t feel like confidence), I have told Rodger that I’d like to begin helping/shadowing him with funerals and hospital visits. We also discussed me starting to read the morning Scripture passage in the church service. I was, of course, thinking that I’d have at least a few weeks before anybody died or went into the hospital. Apparently, though, a pastor’s life is one of surprise, and the trick is to stay on your toes.
We went ahead and scheduled me to read in today’s (10/19) services (we have two), but that’s okay. I’ve had a week or so to mentally prepare and practice. What I wasn’t expecting was a hospital visit. I ended up going with Rodger to a surgery for a gentleman in our congregation and getting my first taste of that. I was surprised to find that I actually enjoyed getting to know the family that was there and sitting with them while John was getting a new hip.
That’s where the big curveball came, though. Before he leaves, Rodger informs me that a gentleman in our congregation has passed away, and since I expressed interest in helping with a funeral, he asked if I’d like to help.
Now, I could have said, “No,” without any problem from Rodger. He wouldn’t have cared, because he’s intent upon my safety and well-being. However, I did want to help, and in the short time I’d spent at the hospital a new thought was forming in my mind. I said, “Yes,” and decided to continue my new branching out.
Rodger got hold of me later in the day to let me know that, if I wanted, I could read the Scriptures at the funeral while handled the rest of the service. It also was with for family that turned out to be my first big hospital visit before my accident (really only a couple days before the break-in). I said yes to that.
As I began looking at the selections from 1 Corinthians 15, John 14, and Romans 8, I started to peruse surrounding chapters for each of these and came across this.
“I thank God that I speak in tongues more than all of you. But in the church I would rather speak five intelligible words to instruct others than ten thousand words in a tongue.”
- 1 Corinthians 14:18-19
Paul’s words helped crystallize the thought that began forming in my head at the hospital. Nothing…not this life or what I do in it is about or for me. So what if I can speak in tongues, run faster than anybody, preach awesome sermons, cure cancer, or anything else…if I am doing it for me, then it doesn’t matter.
The hospital visit, the funeral, and speaking on Sunday mornings… those things aren’t for or about me. Those are things that I can do for others. Those are things that I am doing to fulfill the commandments to love God and my neighbor and be a Christ-like servant. Do you realize how freeing this is?
I was (well…still am) so freaked out about speaking in front of people at the funeral and at church, but I was worried about what people will think about me. Once this verse opened my eyes I realized… that doesn’t matter. It’s not about me. It’s about trying to comfort the family by way of the Scriptures or trying to deliver a message from God and personify His love to His congregation. I’m a conduit… a bypass… hopefully someday a super-highway for God to speak to His people.
But you know what, if I’m doing it for self-gain then it’s all worthless. If I can do it to truly serve and try to be an instrument of God, then it’s all worth it. Perhaps people might tell me good job, but I should take that to mean that I allowed God to speak through me. It wasn’t my power or my words. They are God’s. I’m not there to perform. I’m not there to get any accolades. I’m there to serve and be faithful to God without compensation.
I think that’s what Paul’s talking about in both passages that I used. He wasn’t doing things for himself. In fact, I’m pretty sure that he’d be surprised that we call him one of the most important and influential personalities in the Bible. He didn’t care about any of that. He made himself all things to all people in an effort to serve and be a conduit for God’s Word. He never sought personal gratification for these things, though.
If I can stifle my people-pleasing, approval-seeking ways, then I think I’ll be in good shape. I shouldn’t care what people think. Once that got into my head, I wasn’t nearly as nervous. I felt like, even though I was almost too scared to hug the family at the funeral home, I could use these passages as a hug…not from me… from God.
That meant that I didn’t have to be concerned about being impressive. I was able to be conciliatory to show my love. It was the same way at church (although I was more nervous at church). Once I got up there at the pulpit, I felt somewhat of a peace. I wasn’t up there to impress the congregation. I wasn’t there to deliver my grand insight. I was there to hopefully be a conduit of God with a message for His people out of His Word.
Of course that doesn’t free a worship leader from the responsibility of studying, growing, preparing, and trying to do their best job possible. But this insight helped me immensely. I have learned that if I am faithful to what God wants for me, then to a considerable extent it doesn’t matter what people think. I’m not looking for success or rewards on a human level. I’m looking to be a pleasing fragrance to God.
It’s not about me. It’s about trying to be useable by God. It’s not about my performance. It’s about attempting to allow God to perform through me. This life isn’t about me. It’s about loving and serving the people around me at all times. This is both freeing and a huge responsibility. I’ll leave you with some words from Tony Dungy that have touched me and are guiding my life right now.
“Touching lives. Building a legacy – not necessarily on the field, but in those places that most people will never see…My purpose in life is simply to glorify God. We have to be careful that we don’t let the pursuit of our life’s goals, no matter how important they seem, cause us to lose sight of our purpose…
“The good I can do to glorify God along the way is my real purpose. I want to help people see the path to eternal life through Christ, to enjoy an abundant life now, and fulfill their God-given purposes here. We are all role models to someone in this world, and we can all have an impact – for good.”
- Tony Dungy, Quiet Strength, p. 301
Thank you for listening.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Spiritual Journey
Hello All,
This is Jeff. Angi has handed me the reins to the blog, so I thought it’d be good to give you an update.
I wanted to update you all a bit on my spiritual journey.
The first question to deal with is whether or not God is even there and whether or not the Bible is correct. I would say yes on both counts. Although you can find lots of compelling arguments in lots of places for other things, I can find no better answer than Christianity.
It doesn’t stop there. I don’t to just choose what appears to provide slightly better answer than other things. I want to learn and grow and become so sold out to this belief and this faith that I could never even consider another option. I want to know that it’s right because it’s the Only Truth, not just because it appears more attractive. That’s where I hope to be someday.
Obviously God didn’t want or cause what happened to me. However, as Proverbs 16:3 and 16:9 tell us: “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed…In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.”
Right now I’ve realized that God has placed a call to ministry on my life. Losing my memory doesn’t change that, however. Perhaps how my ministry will be carried out has changed, but I’m still called to be God’s servant.
To that end I’m trying to learn and grow and continue developing. The emotional side of my life is only just waking up from the stasis caused in the break-in. Faith can never just be intellectual. It’s too easy allow yourself to rationalize things away and misstep without asking how you can correct it. It’s too easy to remain self-centered in your thinking. I’ve been there. Believe me.
As I get more and more of the emotional side of my life back, I’m getting so excited at how real some of this faith is feeling to me. It’s not just words in a book. Faith is a day-in/day-out way of life. It’s not just a Sunday morning social event. It’s a 24/7 pattern of living that seeks the best that God has to offer by serving, loving, and putting others first.
I’ve not fully woken up to all of this. I’ve not answered even an iota of my questions. I’ve not made any great spiritual revelations. I’ve realized that I’ve got questions that can’t be ignored, and I’m trying every possible way I can to answer them. I’m trying to be faithful to the knowledge that I’ve been given.
I’ve still got tons of questions. I want to be able to flesh out details. I want to see the grand scope of all of this. I want so much... I hope that in my lifetime I’m able to even scratch the surface of these things. More importantly, I hope that in some way I can inspire others to ask these questions if they aren’t. I hope that I can encourage people who’ve begun feeling stale...you don’t have to be!
I don’t know details yet. I still have so much to learn. But at it’s root, this faith is vibrant and alive and life-changing. I hope and pray that it doesn’t take a burglar in your house for you to realize it though. Hopefully the spark of my passion is enough to catch on your kindling and reawaken what may have started fizzling.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Please continue with them for anybody who is in a similar faith-crisis like me, not just for me. I do hope to see you someday and personally thank you personally.
In other news, I’ve not had any memory break-throughs. I feel like a real heart-breaker sometimes, but there’s not been a single person (not even Heather) who could jog anything loose. The look on their faces when they realize this is heart-rending sometimes, but it’s just the truth.
I’m continuing to work on improving and getting better and becoming more “civilized” (Just a little joke as I’m trying to become more social...sometimes I feel like a primitive being in this regard).
I led the most recent Youth Relations meeting at church. I also led our Spiritual Life Campaign team meeting which has been on hold since my accident. I’m (apparently I have been) writing a curriculum for the church and they’re my oversight board for this material. It’s been therapeutic to write this material, and the campaign has really become the headline or premier battleground in my spiritual journey. I also have been to church service now for two weeks in a row working (hiding) at the soundboard on the laptop keeping the slides moving during the service.
The biggest (and so far my favorite) milestone was attending youth group last night for the first “real” time and being able to teach the lesson. By Kaity’s (my step-daughter) account it was one of my better lessons, and she said she really meant it. You can’t know how much that meant to me. I think youth group can provide a great avenue for my relationship with her to really grow. It’s a special thing that we used to do together, and even if she may not admit it, I think she’s missed it a little while I’ve been gone. Now that I realize and can appreciate how special that aspect of our relationship is to me, I grieve a little for missing even a few weeks, let alone a few months. I look forward to building it again.
I used James 1:2-4 as my passage in the lesson. Although losing my memory is as far away from joyful as a situation can be, I am seeing little things that cause me joy and help me realize that although I’ve got a whole mountain range of trials to cross, every foothill crossed is a victory. Every peak reached so far is a chink in the foundation of these trials. I will persevere through the testing and development of my faith (surely a life-long work, am I correct?) and hopefully, someday, the Lord will find me mature and complete.
I’d be interested to see your thoughts on these verses. If you get a chance, please look over them and share with whoever reads this post what these verses mean in your own life. I’d love to be able to grow from your thoughts, as I’m sure any reader on here would.
Thank you.
Jeff
Originally Posted on Facebook on 9/14/2008
Hello All,
I'm beginning a spiritual journey. Along with my memory, my faith has gone out the window. I need to find it again. It's not just because I want to jump back into ministry or some other compulsion like that. Now that I know who I used to be and how important faith was to me, it has become important again. I'm almost burdened with the knowledge of who I used to be though, because I have none of that now. I have to fill this hole, and it can't wait.
I've got a stampede of questions racing through my head, and I have to find them. I don't know who God is or where He may be right now, if he's nudging me along or a silent witness to my dilemma, but I will find Him.
I don't know what religion any of you may follow, but in your own fashion please pray for me as I begin this journey. I'm desperate for answers and the conviction that faith can bring that I have met God and walk with Him. I may even call on some of you. Please pray for me, though, that clarity, patience, persistence, wisdom, and understanding will headline my journey so that I don't get lost any worse than I already am. Thank you.
Jeff
This is Jeff. Angi has handed me the reins to the blog, so I thought it’d be good to give you an update.
I wanted to update you all a bit on my spiritual journey.
The first question to deal with is whether or not God is even there and whether or not the Bible is correct. I would say yes on both counts. Although you can find lots of compelling arguments in lots of places for other things, I can find no better answer than Christianity.
It doesn’t stop there. I don’t to just choose what appears to provide slightly better answer than other things. I want to learn and grow and become so sold out to this belief and this faith that I could never even consider another option. I want to know that it’s right because it’s the Only Truth, not just because it appears more attractive. That’s where I hope to be someday.
Obviously God didn’t want or cause what happened to me. However, as Proverbs 16:3 and 16:9 tell us: “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed…In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.”
Right now I’ve realized that God has placed a call to ministry on my life. Losing my memory doesn’t change that, however. Perhaps how my ministry will be carried out has changed, but I’m still called to be God’s servant.
To that end I’m trying to learn and grow and continue developing. The emotional side of my life is only just waking up from the stasis caused in the break-in. Faith can never just be intellectual. It’s too easy allow yourself to rationalize things away and misstep without asking how you can correct it. It’s too easy to remain self-centered in your thinking. I’ve been there. Believe me.
As I get more and more of the emotional side of my life back, I’m getting so excited at how real some of this faith is feeling to me. It’s not just words in a book. Faith is a day-in/day-out way of life. It’s not just a Sunday morning social event. It’s a 24/7 pattern of living that seeks the best that God has to offer by serving, loving, and putting others first.
I’ve not fully woken up to all of this. I’ve not answered even an iota of my questions. I’ve not made any great spiritual revelations. I’ve realized that I’ve got questions that can’t be ignored, and I’m trying every possible way I can to answer them. I’m trying to be faithful to the knowledge that I’ve been given.
I’ve still got tons of questions. I want to be able to flesh out details. I want to see the grand scope of all of this. I want so much... I hope that in my lifetime I’m able to even scratch the surface of these things. More importantly, I hope that in some way I can inspire others to ask these questions if they aren’t. I hope that I can encourage people who’ve begun feeling stale...you don’t have to be!
I don’t know details yet. I still have so much to learn. But at it’s root, this faith is vibrant and alive and life-changing. I hope and pray that it doesn’t take a burglar in your house for you to realize it though. Hopefully the spark of my passion is enough to catch on your kindling and reawaken what may have started fizzling.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Please continue with them for anybody who is in a similar faith-crisis like me, not just for me. I do hope to see you someday and personally thank you personally.
In other news, I’ve not had any memory break-throughs. I feel like a real heart-breaker sometimes, but there’s not been a single person (not even Heather) who could jog anything loose. The look on their faces when they realize this is heart-rending sometimes, but it’s just the truth.
I’m continuing to work on improving and getting better and becoming more “civilized” (Just a little joke as I’m trying to become more social...sometimes I feel like a primitive being in this regard).
I led the most recent Youth Relations meeting at church. I also led our Spiritual Life Campaign team meeting which has been on hold since my accident. I’m (apparently I have been) writing a curriculum for the church and they’re my oversight board for this material. It’s been therapeutic to write this material, and the campaign has really become the headline or premier battleground in my spiritual journey. I also have been to church service now for two weeks in a row working (hiding) at the soundboard on the laptop keeping the slides moving during the service.
The biggest (and so far my favorite) milestone was attending youth group last night for the first “real” time and being able to teach the lesson. By Kaity’s (my step-daughter) account it was one of my better lessons, and she said she really meant it. You can’t know how much that meant to me. I think youth group can provide a great avenue for my relationship with her to really grow. It’s a special thing that we used to do together, and even if she may not admit it, I think she’s missed it a little while I’ve been gone. Now that I realize and can appreciate how special that aspect of our relationship is to me, I grieve a little for missing even a few weeks, let alone a few months. I look forward to building it again.
I used James 1:2-4 as my passage in the lesson. Although losing my memory is as far away from joyful as a situation can be, I am seeing little things that cause me joy and help me realize that although I’ve got a whole mountain range of trials to cross, every foothill crossed is a victory. Every peak reached so far is a chink in the foundation of these trials. I will persevere through the testing and development of my faith (surely a life-long work, am I correct?) and hopefully, someday, the Lord will find me mature and complete.
I’d be interested to see your thoughts on these verses. If you get a chance, please look over them and share with whoever reads this post what these verses mean in your own life. I’d love to be able to grow from your thoughts, as I’m sure any reader on here would.
Thank you.
Jeff
Originally Posted on Facebook on 9/14/2008
Hello All,
I'm beginning a spiritual journey. Along with my memory, my faith has gone out the window. I need to find it again. It's not just because I want to jump back into ministry or some other compulsion like that. Now that I know who I used to be and how important faith was to me, it has become important again. I'm almost burdened with the knowledge of who I used to be though, because I have none of that now. I have to fill this hole, and it can't wait.
I've got a stampede of questions racing through my head, and I have to find them. I don't know who God is or where He may be right now, if he's nudging me along or a silent witness to my dilemma, but I will find Him.
I don't know what religion any of you may follow, but in your own fashion please pray for me as I begin this journey. I'm desperate for answers and the conviction that faith can bring that I have met God and walk with Him. I may even call on some of you. Please pray for me, though, that clarity, patience, persistence, wisdom, and understanding will headline my journey so that I don't get lost any worse than I already am. Thank you.
Jeff
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Hello everyone, this is Heather. I just have to tell everyone how thankful we are. I am amazed at all of the love and support we have received. I could not even begin to count the number of prayers for my family. There is not a card special enough or the words to say how thankful we are. Just know nothing has gone unnoticed. When we would sit and eat a meal someone had prepared for us we thought and talked about that family during dinner. So again, thank you from the deepest place in my heart.
I will also leave you with an update. Overall Jeff is still the same. He does a great job wanting to learn each day. He pushes himself each day to grow and learn. We set goals and mile stones each day. Some days seem impossible and others seem a miracle, but I think any of us feel that way at times.
Vacation was great. The timing was perfect for a get away. Jeff enjoyed some of the ventures such as putt putt. He did not enjoy other ventures such as Hard Rock. He was terrified at the Hard Rock Café. We had dinner there one night. Jeff held onto me as tight as he could. He was happy when dinner was over. All in all vacation was exactly what we needed. We had an oceanfront condo. It was so wonderful waking up each day to the waves and sun. I could do that everyday.
Thank you again,
Heather Brady
Monday, July 21, 2008
July 21, 2008
I feel like I am constantly apologizing for not being better about keeping the blog updated. So once again, I'm sorry that I've not posted in almost a week. I could spend my time feeding you my list of excuses but I think I would rather spend my time this evening telling you about Jeff.
It's really hard to believe that this tragedy struck over two weeks ago already. As of today Jeff has not regained any of his memory prior to the accident. However, his family and friends are hard at work trying to help him create new memories. Please don't get me wrong, we still pray daily that his memory be restored, however, we aren't wasting any time trying to relive the past but rather we're working towards the future. Life doesn't stop nor does time care whether or not you remember your yesterdays. What's that saying? Something like yesterday is always in the past but today is a gift from God, that's why we call it the present. Well, I assure you that the statement sure takes on a whole new meaning when you face a tragedy like this.
I am constantly being asked how Jeff is doing. As someone that has been close to Jeff, I feel that he is doing really well. He continues to catch on to things quite quickly and enjoys learning new things. A couple of new family games have been added, ecre and dominoes (train specifically). He has enjoyed both games. He certainly still has great fears that he has to confront daily like coming in contact with new people and leaving the comfort of his hom but he is working to confront those fears.
Every new day is filled with challenges. One of today's big challenges was a Dr's appointment. Today Jeff went for an EEG. Not being one of the medical people in my family I can't tell you exactly what this test will tell us. I can tell you that it is supposed to measure his brain activity. I truely believe that this test will tell us that his brain is functioning quite well. You don't have to spend much time with Jeff to know that his brain is still fully functional. That part hasn't changed. What that test won't be able to tell us is how long it will take for his memory to return and for Jeff to once again find comfort in his family and friends that's he has spent a lifetime growing to know and love.
Heather and I talked for some time the other night about God's plan in this situation. I've said before that I don't believe for one moment that this tragedy was something that God intended to happen to Jeff. I do, however, firmly and faithfully believe that God can work with any tragedy and will find a way to shine through this. It is our faith that whether or not Jeff's memory of the past ever returns, God will still find a way to use Jeff for His glory. Can you imagine the testimony that Jeff will have? He has a wonderful opportunity to dig deep into God's Word and gain a fresh new perspective on God. There isn't a doubt in my mind that Jeff will once again discover his love and true desire for a relationship with Christ. But just like our own relationship with Christ, this has to be something that Jeff figures out on his own. Today I called the house to see how his Dr's appointment went. I asked Jeff what he was doing and he said that he was reading his Bible. My heart did a little leap. He could have been reading anything he wanted to or playing any kind of game that he wanted to but he was choosing to read the Bible and try to piece together what it means to have faith is someone that you cannot see. How many of us could say that we spent our extra time today researching God's Word for His plan in our lives?
Although it is very natural to mourn over the lost past, I (we) refuse to give into Satan that way. I believe as a family we are choosing to celebrate life! I read an amazing email today from a fellow Christian that received a diagnosis of cancer that had returned. Although he readily admitted that he was sad and scared of this reoccurance, he also said that he refused to give into the grief. He knows that through Christ he is already victorious. So don't mourn for Jeff and Heather. Tonight thank God for sparing Jeff's life. Thank God for giving Jeff a wife with patience and understanding. Thank God for His everlasting love that can help us see Him even in spite of pain and trials. We serve a God that is bigger than anything else that Satan can throw our way. I feel like a preacher all of sudden. Can I hear an AMEN?! :-)
This week Kaity has left for her first mission's trip. She is in Nashville, TN with some other members of her youth group. This was a trip that Jeff was to lead. His youth leaders, Eric and Alana Utsumi and Angie Martin really stepped up and took over that lead for him. I know that the trip will be an amazing success for them but please pray for them this week as they are working hard to spread the love of Christ with others who are in need.
On Wednesday Jeff goes for one more test. This is some type of memory test. Then next week we are all headed off for a much needed family vacation. This is something that we've had planned and paid for a long time back. So it didn't make any sense to cancel. We all need to get away and spend some time relaxing and enjoying the sun and sand. Jeff is feeling more and more comfortable with those of us he's been able to re-establish a relationship with. He will be super nervous about the trip and the new surroundings but hopefully we can make the trip a semi-relaxing one for him. But he's also excited and seeing new things like the ocean and we've promised him several games of putt-putt. We're going to Myrtle Beach so putt-putt is one thing there will be plenty of.
I again want to thank all of you for your prayers and numerous offers of generosity. I especially want to thank those that have sent the meals. It has been such an amazing blessing not to worry about what to cook for dinner and the preparation of the meals. I know that it's often times hard enough to cook dinner for our own family but to make the extra meal for another family only adds to what are often times long days. So we completely recognize the sacrifice on your part and greatly appreciate what you're doing for our family.
I pray that you all stay safe and have a good week. I will try to post again after Jeff's next doctor's appointment on Wednesday.
Your's in Christ
Angi
It's really hard to believe that this tragedy struck over two weeks ago already. As of today Jeff has not regained any of his memory prior to the accident. However, his family and friends are hard at work trying to help him create new memories. Please don't get me wrong, we still pray daily that his memory be restored, however, we aren't wasting any time trying to relive the past but rather we're working towards the future. Life doesn't stop nor does time care whether or not you remember your yesterdays. What's that saying? Something like yesterday is always in the past but today is a gift from God, that's why we call it the present. Well, I assure you that the statement sure takes on a whole new meaning when you face a tragedy like this.
I am constantly being asked how Jeff is doing. As someone that has been close to Jeff, I feel that he is doing really well. He continues to catch on to things quite quickly and enjoys learning new things. A couple of new family games have been added, ecre and dominoes (train specifically). He has enjoyed both games. He certainly still has great fears that he has to confront daily like coming in contact with new people and leaving the comfort of his hom but he is working to confront those fears.
Every new day is filled with challenges. One of today's big challenges was a Dr's appointment. Today Jeff went for an EEG. Not being one of the medical people in my family I can't tell you exactly what this test will tell us. I can tell you that it is supposed to measure his brain activity. I truely believe that this test will tell us that his brain is functioning quite well. You don't have to spend much time with Jeff to know that his brain is still fully functional. That part hasn't changed. What that test won't be able to tell us is how long it will take for his memory to return and for Jeff to once again find comfort in his family and friends that's he has spent a lifetime growing to know and love.
Heather and I talked for some time the other night about God's plan in this situation. I've said before that I don't believe for one moment that this tragedy was something that God intended to happen to Jeff. I do, however, firmly and faithfully believe that God can work with any tragedy and will find a way to shine through this. It is our faith that whether or not Jeff's memory of the past ever returns, God will still find a way to use Jeff for His glory. Can you imagine the testimony that Jeff will have? He has a wonderful opportunity to dig deep into God's Word and gain a fresh new perspective on God. There isn't a doubt in my mind that Jeff will once again discover his love and true desire for a relationship with Christ. But just like our own relationship with Christ, this has to be something that Jeff figures out on his own. Today I called the house to see how his Dr's appointment went. I asked Jeff what he was doing and he said that he was reading his Bible. My heart did a little leap. He could have been reading anything he wanted to or playing any kind of game that he wanted to but he was choosing to read the Bible and try to piece together what it means to have faith is someone that you cannot see. How many of us could say that we spent our extra time today researching God's Word for His plan in our lives?
Although it is very natural to mourn over the lost past, I (we) refuse to give into Satan that way. I believe as a family we are choosing to celebrate life! I read an amazing email today from a fellow Christian that received a diagnosis of cancer that had returned. Although he readily admitted that he was sad and scared of this reoccurance, he also said that he refused to give into the grief. He knows that through Christ he is already victorious. So don't mourn for Jeff and Heather. Tonight thank God for sparing Jeff's life. Thank God for giving Jeff a wife with patience and understanding. Thank God for His everlasting love that can help us see Him even in spite of pain and trials. We serve a God that is bigger than anything else that Satan can throw our way. I feel like a preacher all of sudden. Can I hear an AMEN?! :-)
This week Kaity has left for her first mission's trip. She is in Nashville, TN with some other members of her youth group. This was a trip that Jeff was to lead. His youth leaders, Eric and Alana Utsumi and Angie Martin really stepped up and took over that lead for him. I know that the trip will be an amazing success for them but please pray for them this week as they are working hard to spread the love of Christ with others who are in need.
On Wednesday Jeff goes for one more test. This is some type of memory test. Then next week we are all headed off for a much needed family vacation. This is something that we've had planned and paid for a long time back. So it didn't make any sense to cancel. We all need to get away and spend some time relaxing and enjoying the sun and sand. Jeff is feeling more and more comfortable with those of us he's been able to re-establish a relationship with. He will be super nervous about the trip and the new surroundings but hopefully we can make the trip a semi-relaxing one for him. But he's also excited and seeing new things like the ocean and we've promised him several games of putt-putt. We're going to Myrtle Beach so putt-putt is one thing there will be plenty of.
I again want to thank all of you for your prayers and numerous offers of generosity. I especially want to thank those that have sent the meals. It has been such an amazing blessing not to worry about what to cook for dinner and the preparation of the meals. I know that it's often times hard enough to cook dinner for our own family but to make the extra meal for another family only adds to what are often times long days. So we completely recognize the sacrifice on your part and greatly appreciate what you're doing for our family.
I pray that you all stay safe and have a good week. I will try to post again after Jeff's next doctor's appointment on Wednesday.
Your's in Christ
Angi
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
July 15, 2008
Good morning everyone.
Now that I am back to work I’m obviously not done such a great job at posting to the blog everyday. Last night I wanted to spend my extra time with Bradyville (that’s what we often times call Jeff and Heather’s house. It’s a combination of Brady and Harville-Kaity’s last name). So I got up early this morning to make a posting to the blog.
Before I catch everyone up on the events of yesterday, let’s skip back to Monday. Monday Jeff was able to spend some time with his brother Jonathan. I’ve mentioned before how close the pair have always been so Jeff was really excited. He may not remember who Jonathan is but he does know that even after spending just one afternoon with him on Sunday he really enjoys being with Jonathan. Monday night was very special because Jonathan was able to help put on a fireworks display for Jeff. Now I realize that many of us enjoy fireworks on the 4th of July but Jeff and Jonathan enjoy fireworks on any day of the year. So Monday Jonathan was able to introduce Jeff to fireworks. Jeff LOVED them. I wasn’t there for the event but I heard it was quite a display. Jeff was begging Heather afterwards to go buy some more fireworks so they could do it again. I’m not so sure that he convinced her but she can really be a softy so I guess we’ll just see. One funny thing that happened is Jonathan had a package of firecrackers that were just loud. I guess he thought it would be funny to light them and then throw them in Jeff’s direction. Because Jeff didn’t know what they were going to do it scared him and he jumped big time. I know now that as I’m typing this that sounds really mean but Jeff thought it was great. Remember that Jeff is a big jokester so a good (fun) fright now and then is a great time as far as he is concerned. Jonathan made the comment to his mom the next day that even though Jeff was a little quiet at first, he could tell as the night went on that it was still his brother.
Now let’s move on to yesterday. Yesterday Jeff had an appointment with a neuropsychologist. I know that many of us were hoping for some kind of magic answer but there really wasn’t one to give. He basically said that it’s a matter of time. He has certainly seen cases like Jeff’s. His memory could still come back but no one will be able to predict when. He did say that there were some good signs. First, all of the tests that Jeff has had up to this point have all been negative. That is a great sign. Second, Jeff has what’s called retrograde amnesia. Basically he just can’t remember what happened before the accident but everything he has learned since the accident he has retained. That is a great sign that there is not permanent damage and that files in his brain just need time to put themselves back in order.
I must admit that I can see improvements with Jeff even since Sunday. I can see more and more of his personality begin to shine through. Last night Greg, me, Betty, Lowell, mom and Jenny went over for dinner and games. We taught Jeff how to play Train which is a beloved family game we play with dominoes. He caught on quickly and enjoyed the time. We also were able to spend some time in the pool. Heather and I actually kept Jakob occupied in the pool so the rest of the family could enjoy dominoes. It was a lovely evening. Jeff is catching on more and more to jokes and having a good time. When Greg and I left around 11pm, Jeff and Kaity were still playing in the pool.
None of us can predict what the next day will have in store of the Brady family but I can tell you all that I can see God’s hand at work. I believe so fully that God has a plan. I don’t believe that God caused this to happen nor did He want it to happen but since it did, He will prevail and will help to ensure that this family survive this horrible tragedy. Please keep praying for this family. They still have a lot of recovering to do. Satan still tries to throw them curve balls. For example, yesterday Heather received a bill from Verizon wireless for over $200. Last week she spent so much time on her cell phone making and receiving various calls that she went way over her minutes. The minutes on her phone were the least of her concerns last week. Normally the minutes on their phones aren’t an issue so she just never gave it a thought. So if any of you need to talk to Heather, please call her on their home phone. That way she can save her minutes for any long distance calls that she may need to make.
Ok, I think that is it for now. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. I know that many of you have sent cards and meals to Jeff and Heather. This continues to be a big blessing.
Yours in Christ,
Angi
Now that I am back to work I’m obviously not done such a great job at posting to the blog everyday. Last night I wanted to spend my extra time with Bradyville (that’s what we often times call Jeff and Heather’s house. It’s a combination of Brady and Harville-Kaity’s last name). So I got up early this morning to make a posting to the blog.
Before I catch everyone up on the events of yesterday, let’s skip back to Monday. Monday Jeff was able to spend some time with his brother Jonathan. I’ve mentioned before how close the pair have always been so Jeff was really excited. He may not remember who Jonathan is but he does know that even after spending just one afternoon with him on Sunday he really enjoys being with Jonathan. Monday night was very special because Jonathan was able to help put on a fireworks display for Jeff. Now I realize that many of us enjoy fireworks on the 4th of July but Jeff and Jonathan enjoy fireworks on any day of the year. So Monday Jonathan was able to introduce Jeff to fireworks. Jeff LOVED them. I wasn’t there for the event but I heard it was quite a display. Jeff was begging Heather afterwards to go buy some more fireworks so they could do it again. I’m not so sure that he convinced her but she can really be a softy so I guess we’ll just see. One funny thing that happened is Jonathan had a package of firecrackers that were just loud. I guess he thought it would be funny to light them and then throw them in Jeff’s direction. Because Jeff didn’t know what they were going to do it scared him and he jumped big time. I know now that as I’m typing this that sounds really mean but Jeff thought it was great. Remember that Jeff is a big jokester so a good (fun) fright now and then is a great time as far as he is concerned. Jonathan made the comment to his mom the next day that even though Jeff was a little quiet at first, he could tell as the night went on that it was still his brother.
Now let’s move on to yesterday. Yesterday Jeff had an appointment with a neuropsychologist. I know that many of us were hoping for some kind of magic answer but there really wasn’t one to give. He basically said that it’s a matter of time. He has certainly seen cases like Jeff’s. His memory could still come back but no one will be able to predict when. He did say that there were some good signs. First, all of the tests that Jeff has had up to this point have all been negative. That is a great sign. Second, Jeff has what’s called retrograde amnesia. Basically he just can’t remember what happened before the accident but everything he has learned since the accident he has retained. That is a great sign that there is not permanent damage and that files in his brain just need time to put themselves back in order.
I must admit that I can see improvements with Jeff even since Sunday. I can see more and more of his personality begin to shine through. Last night Greg, me, Betty, Lowell, mom and Jenny went over for dinner and games. We taught Jeff how to play Train which is a beloved family game we play with dominoes. He caught on quickly and enjoyed the time. We also were able to spend some time in the pool. Heather and I actually kept Jakob occupied in the pool so the rest of the family could enjoy dominoes. It was a lovely evening. Jeff is catching on more and more to jokes and having a good time. When Greg and I left around 11pm, Jeff and Kaity were still playing in the pool.
None of us can predict what the next day will have in store of the Brady family but I can tell you all that I can see God’s hand at work. I believe so fully that God has a plan. I don’t believe that God caused this to happen nor did He want it to happen but since it did, He will prevail and will help to ensure that this family survive this horrible tragedy. Please keep praying for this family. They still have a lot of recovering to do. Satan still tries to throw them curve balls. For example, yesterday Heather received a bill from Verizon wireless for over $200. Last week she spent so much time on her cell phone making and receiving various calls that she went way over her minutes. The minutes on her phone were the least of her concerns last week. Normally the minutes on their phones aren’t an issue so she just never gave it a thought. So if any of you need to talk to Heather, please call her on their home phone. That way she can save her minutes for any long distance calls that she may need to make.
Ok, I think that is it for now. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. I know that many of you have sent cards and meals to Jeff and Heather. This continues to be a big blessing.
Yours in Christ,
Angi
Monday, July 14, 2008
July 14, 2008
I'm so sorry that I wasn't able to add a post over the weekend. I have no really good excuses other than I was just "plum tired" by the time I got home in the evenings. So I will just give you all a full report from Saturday, Sunday and Monday.
As of today Jeff's memory is the same. He has been able to add good information to his brain but hasn't been able to pull any past information out yet. Heather and I were talking one day over the weekend. She said that a friend of hers had said it best (I believe her friend Allison got this from the story of mistaken identity that happened with the Taylor University students). Our brains are like filing cabinets. Jeff's filing cabinet has gotten turned upside down. He still has all of the files but they're just jumbled up right now and there are some papers missing. However he will be able to put the files back into place given time. Here's what I can tell you though, although Jeff still doesn't remember his past, I have seen some pretty amazing changes occur over the past week. I was out of town on business when the accident first occurred. I didn't actually see Jeff until Tuesday (7/8) in the late afternoon. When he and Heather came in the house and saw me and my mom sitting in the living room, he was instantly scared and froze in place. It was as if he had just walked into a den of bears. (We aren't that bad I promise!) Heather had to quickly escort him upstairs to the safety of their bedroom. Jeff didn't want to meet anyone new and if he did meet someone he wouldn't make eye contact and he really preferred to wear his sunglasses and hat so no one would be able to see his eyes. Over the course of a few days he has begun to trust people and not be so afraid of everyone. We still aren't ready to open the floodgates and allow everyone to come by but he is making significance strides.
Jeff was able to meet some additional family and friends over the weekend including his dad and brother. I think meeting his brother Jonathan was an important moment. Jeff and Jonathan have always been really close. Jeff was quick to learn that he really liked his brother and wanted him to come back over soon. He was also able to meet Eric and Alana Utsumi who are the couple that helps him lead the youth group at First Christian Church. Today he was able to meet his Grandma and Grandpa Brady.
Heather has done a wonderful job of trying to find things that help Jeff feel comfortable with his surroundings. So far we've discovered that Jeff really enjoys to read, play video games and swim. Its so amazing to all of us that he is really quite good at all three things. In the past week he has read 5 books. One of them was a small book but the others were 200+ pages each. I would guess that most of us don't read that many books in a year let alone in 6 days! He is able to play video games easily too. Maybe that is just a normal "boy" thing. He and Greg spent a few hours on Saturday night playing Guitar Hero and Mario Kart. Jeff was excellent at both games. His other favorite activity is swimming. He told Heather just yesterday that swimming makes him feel free. In the pool he doesn't have to think about remembering. He can just play and enjoy the moment. Think about that for just a moment. One of the things that people have said over and over again is that there has to be a reason for this tragedy and that there has to be a lesson in it for us all. Maybe this is one of the lessons we all need to learn. We need to learn to enjoy the simple things in life. We all get so caught up in the hecticness of our daily lives. We rarely seem to have time to sit down to dinner together these days. We are so focused on our jobs and giving off the appearance that we have our lives in control that we don't even realize that we are in control of nothing. I really don't think our hectic lives do much for bringing glory to God. Maybe we all need to learn something from Jeff and think about the things in our lives that bring us comfort and joy. Maybe it isn't swimming and video games but I guarantee there is something. Take a few moments and kiss your wife or your husband. Tell someone that you love them and if you know someone that's sick send them a card. Those of you that have sent Jeff cards have no idea what an impact each of those have made. He saves each card and reads them all very carefully. Yesterday he told me that Heather showed him the scrapbook that I made for them after they got married. He wanted me to make a scrapbook for him with all of the cards and notes that he has received because he wanted to save them all and make something special with them.
This blog unfortunately became a 2 day process because my internet went down at home last night. so if there are any major issues with it I'm sorry.
Yours in Christ
Angi
P.S. Jeff posted to a previous blog if you want to look at that. Its amazing how the part of his brain that does the writing is still able to function at a high level.
As of today Jeff's memory is the same. He has been able to add good information to his brain but hasn't been able to pull any past information out yet. Heather and I were talking one day over the weekend. She said that a friend of hers had said it best (I believe her friend Allison got this from the story of mistaken identity that happened with the Taylor University students). Our brains are like filing cabinets. Jeff's filing cabinet has gotten turned upside down. He still has all of the files but they're just jumbled up right now and there are some papers missing. However he will be able to put the files back into place given time. Here's what I can tell you though, although Jeff still doesn't remember his past, I have seen some pretty amazing changes occur over the past week. I was out of town on business when the accident first occurred. I didn't actually see Jeff until Tuesday (7/8) in the late afternoon. When he and Heather came in the house and saw me and my mom sitting in the living room, he was instantly scared and froze in place. It was as if he had just walked into a den of bears. (We aren't that bad I promise!) Heather had to quickly escort him upstairs to the safety of their bedroom. Jeff didn't want to meet anyone new and if he did meet someone he wouldn't make eye contact and he really preferred to wear his sunglasses and hat so no one would be able to see his eyes. Over the course of a few days he has begun to trust people and not be so afraid of everyone. We still aren't ready to open the floodgates and allow everyone to come by but he is making significance strides.
Jeff was able to meet some additional family and friends over the weekend including his dad and brother. I think meeting his brother Jonathan was an important moment. Jeff and Jonathan have always been really close. Jeff was quick to learn that he really liked his brother and wanted him to come back over soon. He was also able to meet Eric and Alana Utsumi who are the couple that helps him lead the youth group at First Christian Church. Today he was able to meet his Grandma and Grandpa Brady.
Heather has done a wonderful job of trying to find things that help Jeff feel comfortable with his surroundings. So far we've discovered that Jeff really enjoys to read, play video games and swim. Its so amazing to all of us that he is really quite good at all three things. In the past week he has read 5 books. One of them was a small book but the others were 200+ pages each. I would guess that most of us don't read that many books in a year let alone in 6 days! He is able to play video games easily too. Maybe that is just a normal "boy" thing. He and Greg spent a few hours on Saturday night playing Guitar Hero and Mario Kart. Jeff was excellent at both games. His other favorite activity is swimming. He told Heather just yesterday that swimming makes him feel free. In the pool he doesn't have to think about remembering. He can just play and enjoy the moment. Think about that for just a moment. One of the things that people have said over and over again is that there has to be a reason for this tragedy and that there has to be a lesson in it for us all. Maybe this is one of the lessons we all need to learn. We need to learn to enjoy the simple things in life. We all get so caught up in the hecticness of our daily lives. We rarely seem to have time to sit down to dinner together these days. We are so focused on our jobs and giving off the appearance that we have our lives in control that we don't even realize that we are in control of nothing. I really don't think our hectic lives do much for bringing glory to God. Maybe we all need to learn something from Jeff and think about the things in our lives that bring us comfort and joy. Maybe it isn't swimming and video games but I guarantee there is something. Take a few moments and kiss your wife or your husband. Tell someone that you love them and if you know someone that's sick send them a card. Those of you that have sent Jeff cards have no idea what an impact each of those have made. He saves each card and reads them all very carefully. Yesterday he told me that Heather showed him the scrapbook that I made for them after they got married. He wanted me to make a scrapbook for him with all of the cards and notes that he has received because he wanted to save them all and make something special with them.
This blog unfortunately became a 2 day process because my internet went down at home last night. so if there are any major issues with it I'm sorry.
Yours in Christ
Angi
P.S. Jeff posted to a previous blog if you want to look at that. Its amazing how the part of his brain that does the writing is still able to function at a high level.
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